The things we've left behind
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, there's just no getting over things. That's my life right now. Getting over the guy, getting over the friends lost, getting over this huge life change. It seems as though all I do all day every day is worry about getting over things. Maybe its time I get over getting over it.
Maybe that's the secret. You can't force yourself to get over things or people. I guess my biggest fear is that I'll never move on. I'll be stuck in love with that person, or wondering whether or not I made the right career choice, or have I left something behind that I'll regret. And that's the big thing about this new stage in my life. Yes, there is a whole world of possibilities in front of me, and yet I am still looking back at everything I've left behind. It's like all the junk I left behind when I moved from Virginia. The clothes, the kitchen stuff; all of the things that were extraneous to my life. I have replaced so few of them. Why? What am I afraid of? What are any of us afraid of when faced with the decision to hold on or let go?
Most of the time the things we hold on to are bad for us anyway. At least that's how it works in my case. And yet I make excuses as to why its ok that I keep them in my life when I know it isn't right. Maybe it's the fact that, like the old saying, if we let it go and it doesn't come back it was never ours in the first place. Or worse: you let go and never find anything better to replace it. Stephen Chbosky was right, though. We accept the love we think we deserve. I know I don't deserve what some people have chosen to bestow upon me and therefore I don't accept it. I have let go because it hurt too much. And yet I wonder how they are doing without me. Maybe its compassion, or maybe its narcissim. In either case, it isn't really letting go is it? Now, in other cases, I accept fleeting compassion. I allow it to be the only source of affection I receive from these particular people. But why? Why do we allow people to affect us who choose a convenient time to come into our lives and then disappear without another word? I spend all of this time and emotion on this kind of person and what are they spending on me? Nothing. We accept the love we think we deserve.
It isn't enough for me to just say its human nature. There has to be a solution. Is the only solution new friends, new boyfriend, new clothes, new stuff. Is that the answer? Look forward, don't look back. Maybe it's be content with the present. I don't know. If I did, I wouldn't be sitting here at 10:30 on a Saturday night asking these questions to nobody but myself. What are we all scared of? I don't think it's loneliness. I'm alone all the time and I'm still here. I think it's failure. Failure in your career. Failure as a friend. Failure in love. Failure at life in general. I think the only real way to fail though is to not try at all. If you try, at least something will happen to you. If you don't put yourself out there, life will just pass you by; and that's the scariest thought of all: life forfeiture. And then I wonder if I'm trying enough. It's just one big cyclical mess.
I know it's bigger than all of that though. I know it has nothing to do with the mean people or boyfriends or the material things in my past that I'm holding on to. Its a feeling. Its the person I was before. You see, the last few years of my life have been particularly riddled with sadness. Probably no more than any other person, but I have found a way to dwell on the deaths and tragedy that it has seeped into my every day thought. Maybe I'm afraid that if I let go of the people and the things from my past that I should be letting go of, I'll somehow also be letting go of the people I didn't want to lose but did. And then what? They're really gone.
Maybe that's the secret. You can't force yourself to get over things or people. I guess my biggest fear is that I'll never move on. I'll be stuck in love with that person, or wondering whether or not I made the right career choice, or have I left something behind that I'll regret. And that's the big thing about this new stage in my life. Yes, there is a whole world of possibilities in front of me, and yet I am still looking back at everything I've left behind. It's like all the junk I left behind when I moved from Virginia. The clothes, the kitchen stuff; all of the things that were extraneous to my life. I have replaced so few of them. Why? What am I afraid of? What are any of us afraid of when faced with the decision to hold on or let go?
Most of the time the things we hold on to are bad for us anyway. At least that's how it works in my case. And yet I make excuses as to why its ok that I keep them in my life when I know it isn't right. Maybe it's the fact that, like the old saying, if we let it go and it doesn't come back it was never ours in the first place. Or worse: you let go and never find anything better to replace it. Stephen Chbosky was right, though. We accept the love we think we deserve. I know I don't deserve what some people have chosen to bestow upon me and therefore I don't accept it. I have let go because it hurt too much. And yet I wonder how they are doing without me. Maybe its compassion, or maybe its narcissim. In either case, it isn't really letting go is it? Now, in other cases, I accept fleeting compassion. I allow it to be the only source of affection I receive from these particular people. But why? Why do we allow people to affect us who choose a convenient time to come into our lives and then disappear without another word? I spend all of this time and emotion on this kind of person and what are they spending on me? Nothing. We accept the love we think we deserve.
It isn't enough for me to just say its human nature. There has to be a solution. Is the only solution new friends, new boyfriend, new clothes, new stuff. Is that the answer? Look forward, don't look back. Maybe it's be content with the present. I don't know. If I did, I wouldn't be sitting here at 10:30 on a Saturday night asking these questions to nobody but myself. What are we all scared of? I don't think it's loneliness. I'm alone all the time and I'm still here. I think it's failure. Failure in your career. Failure as a friend. Failure in love. Failure at life in general. I think the only real way to fail though is to not try at all. If you try, at least something will happen to you. If you don't put yourself out there, life will just pass you by; and that's the scariest thought of all: life forfeiture. And then I wonder if I'm trying enough. It's just one big cyclical mess.
I know it's bigger than all of that though. I know it has nothing to do with the mean people or boyfriends or the material things in my past that I'm holding on to. Its a feeling. Its the person I was before. You see, the last few years of my life have been particularly riddled with sadness. Probably no more than any other person, but I have found a way to dwell on the deaths and tragedy that it has seeped into my every day thought. Maybe I'm afraid that if I let go of the people and the things from my past that I should be letting go of, I'll somehow also be letting go of the people I didn't want to lose but did. And then what? They're really gone.
That was insightful! Maybe I can add to this. My grandfather passed away last Christmas and letting go of him was tough to say the least. He was the backbone and drive of our family, and when we buried him, I had to let go of so much, burying part of myself in the process. Through this process, however, I realized that I was indeed growing stronger as a person so I could face more of this pain and get better at overcoming my trials and faulty views and stressful emotions. (funny way of looking at it but it is sadly true) I do realize that situations get dark sometimes and the sun will definitely rise again. I also know that night is always darkest before the sunrise. Who knows, but a lot could be in store for those who persevere. We just have to get it done. All the best...
ReplyDeleteThis is full of incredible insights. I honestly think, as hard as it is, that living in the present is your best shot right now. Give it a try for a few months and see how it improves your attitude. I am going to send you a book I used to recover from a terrible break up and the loss of a close friend. I hope it will be helpful to you.
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