The Greatest Love of All...

I started this blog a few months ago when I started watching Sex and the City for the first time. Now, I am re-watching it with my friend Jessica who, like me a few months ago, just moved to the city and has never seen the series before. She though, stupidly unfortunately, watched the movie and knows who ends up with whom and who doesn't and all the spoilery stuff. -- It is a testament to how good the show is though, because she couldn't care less about that. She still wants to watch it obsessively. Also, a similarity that makes us incredibly compatible friends.--

Unashamedly, this is the second time I'm re watching the show since my initial viewing last fall. This time around it has made me think about romantic relationships. I once was explaining why I'm writing this blog to a group of friends and I said something that surprised even me. I said that I did it as a sort of therapy. I write about things that are bugging me and either I realize they are bugging me so much that I need to send my thoughts out on the internet as a release, or I realize how stupid I'm being about it and don't even bother to post. Either way, I learn how I really feel about the given subject.

Now, romantic relationships are something I will probably always think about. So, if you are reading this, meaning it bugged me enough to send it out into the ether, please know that this is a subject that I will be thinking about obsessively probably forever. I am babbling because the one thing that I need to let go is something that I am slightly ashamed of. If I write it here and then publish it, all 3 of you that read this will know: I have not been in a serious relationship in over 5 years.

When I say serious relationship I mean someone that I would call my boyfriend and who would call me their girlfriend too. --I can call Benedict Cumberbatch my boyfriend all I want, but it doesn't make it true. If only that's all it took.-- My last real life relationship ended in 2009. I spent a very long time getting over that relationship. Not because I was still in love with him. God no. But because he really screwed up my head, my self esteem, my view of a healthy relationship, my bank account, and pretty much everything. Since then all of the guys I've dated (and I use that term loosely) have shared an attribute (or two or twelve) with that boyfriend. I wasn't looking for a clone of this person, but I think that I spent so much energy and time on that relationship that it felt easy to look for someone similar. The problem is that when you date within the same general type it tends to end the same way. The key word being end. The one that I ALWAYS fall for: emotional unavailability. Miranda tells Carrie in SATC (that's Sex and the City for those of you not in the know) that "maybe [she doesn't] believe its real unless someone is playing hard-to-get". DING DING DING!

Actually, that's the opposite of the truth. Relationships are hard by nature, but that shouldn't be because your significant other is withholding. It should be a good kind of hard (yeah yeah, you 12 year olds). Like me pursuing an acting career. It is so hard that at least once a week I think "Screw it I'm going to law school". But if I went to law school I wouldn't be me anymore. If I stopped fighting for my dreams, yeah life might be easier, but it wouldn't be a life worth living. That's what I think love is. Sometimes you have to fight for it and it might be easier to give up, but in the end if you've found someone that makes the fight not only worth it but necessary to your very existence, that's a good kind of hard.

I think this attraction to emotionally stunted men actually gets at a deeper, more personal issue. Another great quote, (this will be the only non-SATC quote allowed. But it is so relevant and poignant I couldn't leave it out. It comes from Glee. Don't worry. This quote is from season 1, when the show was still good) really hits the problem on the head: "You look for boys you know you can never have. Boys that can never reciprocate your feelings. Which only reinforces the conviction that you’re not worthy of being loved". Wow. I don't really think that I'm not worthy of being loved. I really believe that there is someone out there for me. Which is probably why I fall hard and fast for the wrong people.

What I do though is after it doesn't work out, I feel as though the main problem was that I wasn't good enough for them or at least that they felt that way. Which is just as bad. I'm always watching things like What Not to Wear and other feel-good, sappy, reality TV shows and whenever they have a person on who says "I don't think I'm the kind of girl guys will like", I immediately get defensive for them. I'm like "yeah right! There's someone out there for you. I know a lot of guys who would totally be into you"! Then I think, "why the hell can't I do that for myself"? I have always prided myself on being able to see the beauty in everything and everyone. It hasn't been until very recently that I've started to do that for myself as well. Nothing good can come from being hard on yourself. When I pick out men that are unattainable (because they are in a relationship, just got out of one, immature... whatever reason) it reinforces my feeling that I wasn't good enough for them. When really their not wanting to be in a serious relationship has nothing to do with me. All it really means though is they weren't the one. I've mentioned before that I also obsess and dwell on the past because it seems easier to me than looking forward at the unknown. But if the person I'm dwelling on were the right person, they'd still be here. It sounds so simple and really... it is. If they were the one for me then I would have been the one for them too.

I've had so many people tell me to stop looking for love and when I do, then love will find me. Excuse my French, but I think that's bullshit. I will always look for love because that's who I am. If I stopped looking I'd be denying myself something that makes up a very big part of me.

I will never stop being a romantic. What I am going to do is stop looking in the wrong places. I've been trying my whole life to find someone who I thought might get me to slow down and see myself more clearly, but that's backwards. I don't want to be tamed. As Carrie Bradsaw would say:

So, I've been working really hard to improve my self image. I'm finding out so many things about myself and what I'm realizing is that I'm awesome. I like me a lot. And that doesn't mean I'm conceited and it doesn't mean I'm proud. It just means that I'm healthy.  There is one last SATC quote that has become my sort of mantra and I would like to leave you with it:


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