Ch Ch Ch Changes

At the risk of referencing Wicked... something has changed within me. Something is not the same. Speaking of showtunes, recently I completely reorganized my iTunes library. I purged myself of tons of music. Music that I never listen to, that if it shows up on shuffle I invariably skip. There were things that I should have gotten rid of years ago including most of my showtunes. I realized a while ago that I didn't really care for the genre anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'll do musicals again and will enjoy it, but I no longer have any interest in listening to musical scores in my spare time. Of course, I saved some that are simply brilliant pieces of music: Les Mis, West Side Story, The Last Five Years, etc. As I deleted them and realized that I was doing so, it struck me that this is sort of a big deal for me.

It has been years since I've listened to showtunes for pleasure. There was a time (to which my friends and family can attest) when that was all I listened to and was happy to not branch out. I loved musicals and found deep profound meaning in things that now seem so trite to me. I'm not at all saying that people who listen to musicals and love them are trite. Not in the slightest. Many of my dearest friends, quite literally, live their lives for musicals. All I am really saying is that this change in me is significant. I can honestly say I would not be the person I am today without musical theatre; it introduced me to the world of theatre. I owe my current happiness to the genre. I have a great appreciation for the amount of talent it takes to perform those roles. My friend Yamina said something once that has followed me throughout my life (and particularly my acting career). We were watching the Tony's years back when Bernadette Peters was nominated for Gypsy. She performed Rose's Turn and once it was over Yamina turned to me and said "I don't know how someone lives with that inside of them". I really responded to that. I think musicals have the ability to communicate basic human emotions on such a large scale that it can be incredibly moving. That's what I love most about theatre. Shakespeare lends itself to that same heightened emotional state and whenever I perform a particularly emotional role and go to a really dark place, I think of Yamina (in the best way possible, of course). Now, however, I connect to music in a totally different way. I tend to gravitate toward music that is poetic and quiet in nature. Things that are simple, honest, and subtle appeal to me much more than things that are grandiose. When I was younger I didn't have a good sense of who I was, so I looked to musical theatre to help me articulate my emotions. Now I look to music to intellectualize my feelings as opposed to dictate them. 

After high school I moved on from the showtune craze, but I didn't develop my own music taste. I listened to things that my parents played when I was a kid. I listened to stuff my roommates liked. I listened to stuff that made my boyfriend happy. The first two are fairly innocuous. Many of the bands and artists that they introduced me to are still my favorites. I mean, I named my cat Bruce Springsteen for heaven's sake (thanks Dad). The latter on the other hand makes me sick to think about and points to a greater personal issue: losing my sense of self within a relationship. I spent most of my college years listening to music I was indifferent to and often even hated just because some boy liked it. I thought that if I expressed an opinion it would mean they wouldn't like me anymore. Maybe it was just the assholes I dated, but I realize now that I like what I like and screw anyone who wouldn't want to be around me for exactly that. But it wasn't just my music preferences I wasn't standing up for in relationships (romantic or otherwise), it was myself in general. 

I'm in this new chapter of my life. I'm finally (almost) completely independent. I live alone, no responsibilities other than the ones I make for myself. I've always thought of myself as this free spirit, independent and self reliant and for the first time in my life its actually true. My outdated iTunes library is a concrete example of that growth. I was keeping things or hiding things solely because of what it said about me. I have shaped the image I have of myself based on what I want other people to see as opposed to what I want to see. Now, though, I'm finally at a point in my life where I really admire the person that I have become. I used to be so scared of life. I was full of it, but I was scared of showing that to the world and of letting the world change me. Since this move to Chicago, I've realized that what I was told was stubbornness was actually strength, what was garrulousness and annoying in reality was passion, and what was foolhardy was actually fearlessness. I'm proud to be those things. I don't want to waste any more time worrying about what people think of what or who I love. If it means something to me that's enough.

There's a band, Bear's Den, and they have a song called Don't let the Sun Steal You Away. One lyric in particular has stuck with me since I first heard it: "Don't let your mind speak louder than your heart" and in my life I haven't been doing that. Generally, I think about things to death before I even really stop to consider how I feel. In reality, however, the decisions that have been impulsive and straight from the gut have been the ones that have changed my life for the better. I need to trust my gut. I've got good guts. All in all I've been so afraid of change but it happened when I wasn't looking. Most of the things in life I've been scared of are inevitable. Maybe that sounds morose, but I actually find it comforting. Why be afraid of anything then? So, to quote one of my favorite movies "I have learned how to live... How to be in the world and of the world, and not just to stand aside and watch. And I will never, never again run away from life. Or from love, either."