I mentioned briefly in my Jenny Lewis post that the past week or so has been kind of rough. It has been one of those "when it rains it pours" weeks you know? Work has been frustrating, I got a parking ticket, my love life is... in a word... disappointing. Through all of this I found myself sinking and letting every little thing get to me. I was holding on to the pain of everything because it all happened so suddenly and all at once and I honestly didn't know what to do at first. It didn't help that my friend from home, Jessica, and my first friends in the city, Paul and Wilhelm, all moved away in the same week. Needless to say I've been feeling very down and what's worse, happy to be so. I was in that terrible place where I was reveling in my misery. I think I've said it here before that moving on is hard for me. If you let go of the things that are making you upset then it's an admittance that they are really over. I find that incredibly difficult to cope with. My friend Ashlee calls this "gorilla gripping" things.

Anyway, my point was not to depress you -- I swear. This has a happy ending! I had an epiphany last night; a personal triumph of sorts. I won't go into detail, but it made me realize that I wasted a lot of time and energy on something that at the time felt very similar to what's happening to me now. I refused to let go long after I should have. Only because I didn't want to admit that it was really over. Not this time. I will keep on going and I won't let my fear of loss drag me down anymore. *Cue "I'm Every Woman"*

I've been trying to get back into playing my instruments and singing more regularly. I'm working up the courage to dive into the music scene here a little bit more (or at all really). I'm building up a songbook as well as song-writing again. In all of that, I decided that for several reasons I needed to start recording myself. Today I went back and listened to some of the songs I've recorded over the past few months. I came across one that was so timely it is almost hard to believe. I decided that it was too serendipitous not to share, so I'm going to post a link to the recording at the end of this entry.

--This is a big step for me. I have of course performed for an audience, but there's something about putting it out on the interwebs that terrifies me. --

Listening to this old recording of myself sing a song about smiling through sadness and letting go gave me the motivation to write this post. More importantly it reminded me to get the heck out of the self destructive hole I was slowly sliding into again. It was like my past self just knew that I would need to hear it again eventually. When I hit the publish button and send this out into the universe, I will make a conscious effort not to dwell. It will be hard, but when ever I need a little bit of encouragement, I can listen to my past self give me the advice I need:

To Just Smile :)

(that link is the song... in case that was too subtle)


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