27 Things

It has been WAY too long since I posted anything. I've been in a bit of a slump I believe. The Fall was hard for me as an actor. It was hard to get work. I spent the Summer in a show, unable to audition for anything rehearsing and opening in the Fall. The auditions I did go on in the Fall were for large companies that typically are casting for Summer shows. Moreover, if you want to go anywhere for the Christmas Holiday it means that you can't do any sort of Christmas shows. On top of all of that, I decided that I would not accept any jobs, or even audition for them, if it meant I could not go home to Brownsville, TX for my cousin's wedding the first weekend of November. That limited my options as well. Don't get me wrong, that was a decision I was happy to make, I love my cousin and my new cousin-in-law and they were kind enough to honor me with a place in their wedding. I would not have missed that for the world. Also, it would have to be the job of my dreams to make me accept it at Christmas if it means I can't go home to Brownsville. So, really it has been a combination of a slow Fall and my lack of desire to compromise my schedule.

It has only been recently that I've begun to feel down about it. I've only had a handful of auditions since Much Ado closed and that scares me. I started an On Camera class with Acting Studio of Chicago which I'm really liking. It makes me realize that the television and film industry terrify the crap out of me, but also that if I want to stay in Chicago and live solely off an actor's salary, it's necessary. It's funny because I would love to be in television and film. I really would, but the type of effort it takes to make it in that business makes me squirm. I would have to give up much of my time on stage focusing on auditioning for commercials. It also would be a very strange balancing act with my day job. You have to sort of be able to jump when they say jump and that means a typical 9-5 day job is a bit of a nuisance.

What I would really love is to get hired by one of these many prestigious summer companies that I have auditioned for (there's one in particular I really want) and then save all the money I make in order to be able to be unemployed for a bit. OR find a place where I can become a regular company member and not have to worry about it at all. I have hope on that score in the works, but it's too early to share. In any case I need a project soon or I'm going to go mad.

So, that's my update career-wise. Not much unfortunately... and that's the problem.

With all of that in mind, I've been thinking a lot about my time in Chicago. I do like it here, I've made a couple of good friends and I've enjoyed my time here for the most part. I also like living close to my brother and my sister-in-law. As I stated before, however, the type of work I would be getting here is commercial work and local (mostly) un-paid theatre roles. I want more than that. I want to work on a big stage or be in films or both. I'm in a transitional period of my life right now and that's difficult. More than that, to be quite honest, I'm sick of being in a transitional period of my life. I want to be stable. I want to find a permanent position. Even if it pays beans, I want the comfort of at least for one year have a steady stream of acting jobs. The more and more I think about it, the more I think Chicago is not the place for that. I think what I need to do is keep at it in the city until I find something elsewhere. Until I find something more permanent. I don't know. All I know is that I have a lot of thinking to do.

I've also been thinking about going abroad. That's a far fetched dream, but I would love to live in London. There are programs in London for one year MA Acting programs that I have been looking into. I've been really hoping to expand my horizon past Shakespeare into the contemporary theatre world and one way to do that would be go back to school.

As for my personal life... it's pretty much non-existent. It's time that I start to focus on myself for a while... something I should have done years ago. Too long I've let other people determine my self worth -- Something that comes naturally for an actor. You literally put your livelihood in other people's hands and their decisions are usually based solely on your looks and occasionally talent. You spend your life hoping that someone validates your existence. So, in lieu of that, I'm trying to become better at taking care of myself, emotionally and physically. Too long I've allowed myself to be swayed by other people's opinions of me when there's really only one that  matters: my own.

I turned 27 a week ago today and so my gift to myself is to list 27 things I like about me. Even thinking about this task makes me squirm. But then I think... this is totally something I would do for a friend of mine and it's sad that I can't do it for myself. So, I will. Remember: "Self-love...is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting."

1. I'm close with my parents.
2. I like to look for deep meaning even in the silliest of things.
3. My hair -- when it's behaving :)
4. I've never met a stranger.
5. My singing voice
6. I'm (as Dumbledore would put it) a fierce friend.
7. I'm resourceful
8. I'm independent
9. I love animals... a lot
10. I'm very open about my feelings
11. I'm really good with makeup.
12. I'm fun to shop with. 
13. I enjoy intellectual pursuits.
14. I've got a fantastic memory.
15. It's very easy to make me laugh.
16. I'm very easily moved. I will cry for anything... happy or sad. But especially happy.
17. My cat loves me.
18. I have good taste in music.
19. I'm always prepared.
20. My eyebrow game is ON POINT.
21. I'm a very good driver.
22. I'm a fun drinking partner.
24. On that note... I'm a big fan of nerd culture. Particularly the sci-fi/fantasy genres.
25. I have 2 masters degrees, y'all!
26. I'm really easy going... but when it matters I will stand up for things I care about.
27. I'm from TEXAS. Trump card.

So, in the name of full disclosure. That took me a whole week to accomplish and then another week to build up the courage to post. If it had been a good friend, I probably could have listed 27 or more things in about 5 minutes. Why was it so difficult for me to say nice things about myself? That just seems backwards. I should be capable of doing the same for myself... the person with whom I will spend every moment of every day for my whole life. I am neglecting the person I should love and care for the most. 


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