The Search Engine First Date
My day today was filled with getting ready for my hugely anticipated trip to California tomorrow which included packing, hand washing clothes because I'm broke, and force cuddling my cat because I'm going to miss him. On top of all of that I had an interesting talk with one of my good friends (one of the holy grail college roommate friends from yesterday's post) who's going through some guy trouble. As I was giving her (ever so humbly) some incredible advice, I realized that I should be listening to myself as well. Of course her situation is completely different from mine in details, but in essentials I realized that all of our relationship problems boil down to one thing: our own self confidence or more precisely the lack thereof. How have all of these incredibly funny, beautiful, intelligent women lost the ability to approach a man we're interested in and let him know it?
My friend told me about a guy that she has a crush on. She mentioned that she thought he might like another girl. So, she'll wait around and see if it's actually a thing before she makes any moves. I was telling her about a guy that I had met that I immediately hit it off with at one audtion and then 4 days later saw him again at another. I was completely enamored but had no idea when and if I'd ever see him again. So, of course, I googled him. I didn't know his last name, but that's what two masters degrees are really good for I'll tell ya. Extensive "research" abilities. I finally found his Facebook page and there she was. His girlfriend that was not me. When I told my friend this story, she said it: "Facebook. It makes things so much worse". And she is totally right. Facebook, social media, and the internet in general, have ruined our ability to be confident when it comes to interacting face to face with a potential partner.
Before Facebook, I either would have just hoped to find this guy again, forgotten him, or asked for his number then and there. My friend would probably be more likely just to ask the guy if he wants to go out, or at least if he has a girlfriend. But because we have the ability to, with just a few button pushes, know so much, we don't take the time to ask for ourselves. I mean, I didn't even know this guy's last name and suddenly I know he has a girlfriend, his birthday, and the fact that he "Likes" Thai food or whatever. And I can't friend him or follow him on Twitter because that means he'll know I searched for him and god forbid he know I'm interested in knowing him better. So, my hope has died. I'm not excited about whether or not I'll run into him again, because I know it can't go anywhere. And that's half the fun: the hope of something more.
Because we are able to find out all of this information about one another without having to ask, the basic introductory part of relationships has completely altered. There's no need to ask if the guy is available or even find out anything about him. I can just google him later. I can check it out before I dive in head first. "I'm not sure about him yet. Let me check his Facebook to see if our music taste is compatible. UGH He likes symphonic power metal???" And thus a relationship dies before it even has begun. There's no longer a need to take that leap of faith because you can just eradicate your fears with a search engine. We, as a generation, trust Google more than the butterflies in our stomachs that originally made us want to know more and open that browser to find out. And what if I had found out that he was straight, single and has an obsession with Harry Potter (the perfect man) and I fearlessly asked him out and it was a dud of a date? I guess I'm old fashioned. I'd rather date a guy for a few months, be forced to listen to Kamelot non-stop and then break up for my ear drums' sake. At least I got some free meals out of it (theoretically).
All in all, I wish I could say that I'm going to change. That I'm going to delete my Facebook and stop googling guys after I meet them. I'm going to trust the butterflies. But who am I kidding? Of course I'm not going to do that. And neither is anyone else. I think the real thing to do is to not let it stop you from getting to know the real guy. Not just the one he's created on the internet.
My friend told me about a guy that she has a crush on. She mentioned that she thought he might like another girl. So, she'll wait around and see if it's actually a thing before she makes any moves. I was telling her about a guy that I had met that I immediately hit it off with at one audtion and then 4 days later saw him again at another. I was completely enamored but had no idea when and if I'd ever see him again. So, of course, I googled him. I didn't know his last name, but that's what two masters degrees are really good for I'll tell ya. Extensive "research" abilities. I finally found his Facebook page and there she was. His girlfriend that was not me. When I told my friend this story, she said it: "Facebook. It makes things so much worse". And she is totally right. Facebook, social media, and the internet in general, have ruined our ability to be confident when it comes to interacting face to face with a potential partner.
Before Facebook, I either would have just hoped to find this guy again, forgotten him, or asked for his number then and there. My friend would probably be more likely just to ask the guy if he wants to go out, or at least if he has a girlfriend. But because we have the ability to, with just a few button pushes, know so much, we don't take the time to ask for ourselves. I mean, I didn't even know this guy's last name and suddenly I know he has a girlfriend, his birthday, and the fact that he "Likes" Thai food or whatever. And I can't friend him or follow him on Twitter because that means he'll know I searched for him and god forbid he know I'm interested in knowing him better. So, my hope has died. I'm not excited about whether or not I'll run into him again, because I know it can't go anywhere. And that's half the fun: the hope of something more.
Because we are able to find out all of this information about one another without having to ask, the basic introductory part of relationships has completely altered. There's no need to ask if the guy is available or even find out anything about him. I can just google him later. I can check it out before I dive in head first. "I'm not sure about him yet. Let me check his Facebook to see if our music taste is compatible. UGH He likes symphonic power metal???" And thus a relationship dies before it even has begun. There's no longer a need to take that leap of faith because you can just eradicate your fears with a search engine. We, as a generation, trust Google more than the butterflies in our stomachs that originally made us want to know more and open that browser to find out. And what if I had found out that he was straight, single and has an obsession with Harry Potter (the perfect man) and I fearlessly asked him out and it was a dud of a date? I guess I'm old fashioned. I'd rather date a guy for a few months, be forced to listen to Kamelot non-stop and then break up for my ear drums' sake. At least I got some free meals out of it (theoretically).
All in all, I wish I could say that I'm going to change. That I'm going to delete my Facebook and stop googling guys after I meet them. I'm going to trust the butterflies. But who am I kidding? Of course I'm not going to do that. And neither is anyone else. I think the real thing to do is to not let it stop you from getting to know the real guy. Not just the one he's created on the internet.
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